My nephew visit my farm

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.

For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

"Dam".

How to Make Woman and Man Happy!!

How to Make a Woman Happy It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44.. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48.. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:* birthdays* anniversaries* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

Details of Mum

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is."

"Why not?" demanded Jenny.

"Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."

Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people."

"Why not?" demanded Jenny.

"Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?"

"Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older.

" The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds."

"Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."

Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?"

Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

Doctors Chat

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

Long Tail

A father watched his five-year-old daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "That’s a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, daddy, that might be accepted in California and Massachusetts but we’re not having any of that shit in Wisconsin!!

Bad News

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Surgeon's Preference

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.


The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”



The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”



The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”



The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”



Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

Where do I come from?

I have a daughter who is attenting a kindergarden this year.

One afternoon after she got back from her kindergarden school. She asked me, "Mum where do I come from?", and I was caught in a surprise of her question.

After awhile I tried to explain to her on the human biological how is the baby concepture.

She gave me with her innocent and confused look.

And she said, "that was complicated, but when my kindergardern teacher ask my classmate Ashley where she come from? Ashley replied was Singapore."

Scotch & Water

An old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a
scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and
I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink.
In fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should
buy you a drink too."
The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."
"Alright" says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one
around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one
too."
The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops
of water."
"Comin' right up" the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the
scotch and only two drops of water?"
The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold
your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

How do men exercise at the beach?

Q. How do men exercise at the beach?

A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

The Creation of Man

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.?You will eat grass and lack intelligence.?You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.?You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Dead Again

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"